Denial: refusal to recognize or acknowledge.
Last night in class, my professor mentioned something about the "denial that everyone carries around throughout life". It was not a basis of our classroom discussion, but that thought really stuck with me. Not necessarily about a denial I have had or am having, but the thought of the weight that denial carries in everyone's life and what exactly denial is.
Is Denial an avoidance of truth? Or are we all Delusional?
It made me think about all the denial that I have had throughout my life. Truthfully, denial is such a strong force that I can't even fathom the thought of writing on my blog the many denials I have had. It's as if I were to write them for the public to see that I would have to accept the truth. This realization scares me because of how abstract the truth really is. Regardless, if my denials were when I was young or now, I still am wary of admitting them.
Or are we all delusional? And have we yet to gather all the facts so we can't formulate a truth?
I think denial is a natural coping mechanism that every human being uses to avoid dealing with the truth. Am I defending the use of denial by defining it with such raw form? Or am I in denial about what it really is and how I have used it in my life?
Is denial ok? Is it right to avoid truth through denial? Is it lying to yourself? Or are we delusional? These many questions keep me wondering about the truth behind denial and if there is a truth behind it.
Is the truth that burdensome that we must deny it? Or is it so difficult to define that we define it the way we want to?
By choosing to deny what is really placed in front of us, does it make us weak people that can not cope with what we don't want to accept? Does searching for truth make us vulnerable to situations, thoughts and experiences we would rather not have? Denial is the only way to not make us vulnerable, or is it?
Maybe I should acknowledge the denial I have carried around throughout my life and accept the truth. Or maybe I should just let it be and accept it as my defense mechanism that just might hinder my experiences.
I just don't know how I feel about the denial, but I know that it sounds like a hefty weight to be carrying around my entire life.
And for delusional...I think that's one I would rather not be called.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Creating Miracles
"Miracles happen to those who believe in them" Bernard Berenson
This quote like many dealing with miracles emphasize the importance of believing in them, but not about how to make them happen.
I couldn't say it better than Dr. Bernie S. Siegel said in his book 365 Prescriptions for the Soul:
"A true miracle is usually defined as an event that defies the laws of nature as we know them. On the other hand, quantum physicists reveal that desire and intention can alter the physical world. This reaching for the unreachable star makes sense, and creating miracles becomes possible, if one is willing to do the work."
I have never been one to necessarily believe in miracles; let alone rely on them. One reason for my reluctance to rely on such an idealistic event to occur is that miracles have seemed uncontrollable to me. I like to believe I have some kind of control over my existence. With this definition and explanation of a miracle, I see that miracles can be taken under control by any individual themselves.
The human is an absolute phenomenal organism. With a brain that has such a limitless ability of knowledge and a body that can do unthinkable tasks, no human being exhibits their full potential throughout their life time. We do not know our potential. We have the potential to create miracles so minuet or so exorbitant.
I have the ability to reach for something that seems so unrealistic to me, and work towards a plan of action that will gather all the pieces to create something big. Something I maybe have always thought of as bigger than me. Creating my own miracles, or even just knowing I have the ability to, pushes me to strive harder for what I dream of and to do something about it versus sitting and waiting for it to surprise me, as the impression of miracles do.
I think about Haiti being in need of a serious miracle after the devastation that occurred last week. A miracle that absolutely is not possible with out the help of millions. Our potential as citizens of the world needs to be explored. We need to do anything for these struggling members of our own society. If it's donating money or blood, adopting a child or giving anything to these people and their country, we must do it. My own miracles that I can create will hopefully never be as needed as those of the people of Haiti. Not just today do they need help, but they need help for the next decade as their country completely rebuilds itself from the ground up.
In no way do I think that anyone would disagree with the importance of this tragedy, and I certainly do not want to preach, but when I stumbled across this definition of creating miracles I could think of nothing else.
We all should test our potential and see what miracles we can create within our own lives, the lives of others and throughout the world.
This quote like many dealing with miracles emphasize the importance of believing in them, but not about how to make them happen.
I couldn't say it better than Dr. Bernie S. Siegel said in his book 365 Prescriptions for the Soul:
"A true miracle is usually defined as an event that defies the laws of nature as we know them. On the other hand, quantum physicists reveal that desire and intention can alter the physical world. This reaching for the unreachable star makes sense, and creating miracles becomes possible, if one is willing to do the work."
I have never been one to necessarily believe in miracles; let alone rely on them. One reason for my reluctance to rely on such an idealistic event to occur is that miracles have seemed uncontrollable to me. I like to believe I have some kind of control over my existence. With this definition and explanation of a miracle, I see that miracles can be taken under control by any individual themselves.
The human is an absolute phenomenal organism. With a brain that has such a limitless ability of knowledge and a body that can do unthinkable tasks, no human being exhibits their full potential throughout their life time. We do not know our potential. We have the potential to create miracles so minuet or so exorbitant.
I have the ability to reach for something that seems so unrealistic to me, and work towards a plan of action that will gather all the pieces to create something big. Something I maybe have always thought of as bigger than me. Creating my own miracles, or even just knowing I have the ability to, pushes me to strive harder for what I dream of and to do something about it versus sitting and waiting for it to surprise me, as the impression of miracles do.
I think about Haiti being in need of a serious miracle after the devastation that occurred last week. A miracle that absolutely is not possible with out the help of millions. Our potential as citizens of the world needs to be explored. We need to do anything for these struggling members of our own society. If it's donating money or blood, adopting a child or giving anything to these people and their country, we must do it. My own miracles that I can create will hopefully never be as needed as those of the people of Haiti. Not just today do they need help, but they need help for the next decade as their country completely rebuilds itself from the ground up.
In no way do I think that anyone would disagree with the importance of this tragedy, and I certainly do not want to preach, but when I stumbled across this definition of creating miracles I could think of nothing else.
We all should test our potential and see what miracles we can create within our own lives, the lives of others and throughout the world.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Christmas Cards from Randoms
I was reading about a study some psychologists were doing that was testing the principle of reciprocity in the 1970s. They were conducting a study to look at the power of persuasion, through sending Christmas Cards to random people and waiting to see if they sent one back. The result was over whelming in the fact that these random people sent cards back to the psychologists.
Surprisingly, I did not dwell on the study being about the principle of reciprocity (a close tie to my ongoing skepticism of the Law of Attraction) when I thought about this study. The psychologists in this experiment were looking at whether or not people did nice things back when something nice was done to them, and if they could persuade people to elicit acts of kindness through reciprocity.
I was really intrigued with the fact that people sent Christmas Cards back to psychologists. I honestly don't know what I would do if I received a Christmas Card from Phillip Kunz or Micheal Woolcott (the experimenters). I mean I have to take into consideration that I am a female and this behavior could be easily interpreted by really nothing but creepy here in the twenty-first century.
Ok, so I take that out of the equation. I am not a female and I am not in the twenty-first century. I think I might be flattered by a random Christmas Card, but what could it possibly say on it that would be meaningful because Phillip and Michael don't know a thing about me. I might send a Christmas Card back asking who these people are and maybe wish them a Merry Christmas in the closure.
Do people appreciate favors from randoms more than they do from their loved ones? Apparently, this study shows individuals feel the need to reciprocate back, and yes I know there are missing variables that are are vital to make this experiment legitimate. There are so many Christmas Cards that lay around my house every year without a response sent back. We just aren't a Christmas Card kind of family, but I think we may seriously consider sending one back to a random more than my great-aunt's cousins.
Do you appreciate it more when the random girl in class loans you a dollar or when your best friend does? It's the same amount of money, right? I would think very highly of the random girl as she hands me her "extra" one dollar bill, even though I know I will be paying her back the next class period in fear of looking like a mooch. My best friend, though, somehow seems to have an obligation to loan me that dollar because I don't think I would appreciate it as much as the loan from the random. I expect my best friend to loan me the dollar, and she is probably the one that is most likely not going to get paid back out of the two contenders.
Doesn't seem so right, does it? Maybe we all need to stop expecting those who are close to us to just do little favors for us, and start appreciating the things they do for us. It's not that I think we shouldn't appreciate the randoms doing favors for us, but starting to appreciate favors our loved ones do for us instead of expecting them to, is just as important.
Surprisingly, I did not dwell on the study being about the principle of reciprocity (a close tie to my ongoing skepticism of the Law of Attraction) when I thought about this study. The psychologists in this experiment were looking at whether or not people did nice things back when something nice was done to them, and if they could persuade people to elicit acts of kindness through reciprocity.
I was really intrigued with the fact that people sent Christmas Cards back to psychologists. I honestly don't know what I would do if I received a Christmas Card from Phillip Kunz or Micheal Woolcott (the experimenters). I mean I have to take into consideration that I am a female and this behavior could be easily interpreted by really nothing but creepy here in the twenty-first century.
Ok, so I take that out of the equation. I am not a female and I am not in the twenty-first century. I think I might be flattered by a random Christmas Card, but what could it possibly say on it that would be meaningful because Phillip and Michael don't know a thing about me. I might send a Christmas Card back asking who these people are and maybe wish them a Merry Christmas in the closure.
Do people appreciate favors from randoms more than they do from their loved ones? Apparently, this study shows individuals feel the need to reciprocate back, and yes I know there are missing variables that are are vital to make this experiment legitimate. There are so many Christmas Cards that lay around my house every year without a response sent back. We just aren't a Christmas Card kind of family, but I think we may seriously consider sending one back to a random more than my great-aunt's cousins.
Do you appreciate it more when the random girl in class loans you a dollar or when your best friend does? It's the same amount of money, right? I would think very highly of the random girl as she hands me her "extra" one dollar bill, even though I know I will be paying her back the next class period in fear of looking like a mooch. My best friend, though, somehow seems to have an obligation to loan me that dollar because I don't think I would appreciate it as much as the loan from the random. I expect my best friend to loan me the dollar, and she is probably the one that is most likely not going to get paid back out of the two contenders.
Doesn't seem so right, does it? Maybe we all need to stop expecting those who are close to us to just do little favors for us, and start appreciating the things they do for us. It's not that I think we shouldn't appreciate the randoms doing favors for us, but starting to appreciate favors our loved ones do for us instead of expecting them to, is just as important.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Bringing Franklin Back
The wise words of Benjamin Franklin:
"He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged."
The Franklin Effect: (in my own words) A psychological finding done through a series of experiments that are hard to gather any evidence from that is based off of an incident Benjamin Franklin had in the 18th century about how getting others to do a favor for you initially sets you up for likability and future favors from the same person.
Not to sound grim on this subject matter, because like most things, I have trouble grasping an absolute opinion about the subject. As I am reading "59 Seconds" by Richard Wiseman, which I have had trouble putting it down, I am torn by what I think about the Franklin Effect and how it is suppose to make me and everyone else a more likable and more happy person.
So here's the supposed story: Mr. Franklin was having some difficulty getting an apathetic member of the Pennsylvania state legislature to like him. Of course, he rarely had this happen because of his amiable personality, so he put on his thinking cap and was going to get this person to like him. Then the idea came! Good Wise Ben thought of a book that he knew this certain person had tucked away on his bookshelf. He would ask this fellow politician to borrow this book, in hopes that this tiny favor would boost his number on the likability scale. And who would have guessed that the next time they met at the House, this certain gentleman was civil towards him and was ready to serve him.
Nice story, right? But how do we really know why Mr. Apathetic behaved in this manner? Maybe he had a change of heart about Mr. Franklin because of something he read or maybe he was having a terrific day and wanted to share his bliss. With this scenario, there are endless what-ifs and not enough concrete evidence.
My theory of why Mr. Apathetic had a role reversal was because he didn't know anything about Mr. Franklin besides what everyone else knew, and once he found that him and Benny had a commonality (the book) he gave him a chance. This theory is NOT the Franklin Effect, but I think it suits the incident much better than the fact that because Mr. Apathetic was tricked into doing Franklin a favor, he will continue to do more.
Now I am not a complete cynic of this theory though. I do think that naturally people are drawn to helping other people, and often times don't know their motivations behind random acts of kindness towards others. This is the way that it should be. We should be intrinsically motivated to help others, so that we feel better about ourselves and then others feel better about us. It's a win win situation. Or is it?
When our end goal is for people to like us more, I don't think manipulation is the best way to accomplish this. And, I don't think this is what the Franklin Effect is about, though. It might be slightly flawed, but the initial point is that once someone has that warm fuzzy feeling about helping you out, they are more likely to do it again. Versus if you were to just to do a favor for them and then they feel obligated to reciprocate. That's not a win win either.
So regardless if I may seem slightly cynical of the Benjamin Franklin Effect, I really think the theory makes us look at intentions, motivation, and manipulation. All three things very important when trying to influence people. All three mandatory and detrimental to the end process.
"He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged."
The Franklin Effect: (in my own words) A psychological finding done through a series of experiments that are hard to gather any evidence from that is based off of an incident Benjamin Franklin had in the 18th century about how getting others to do a favor for you initially sets you up for likability and future favors from the same person.
Not to sound grim on this subject matter, because like most things, I have trouble grasping an absolute opinion about the subject. As I am reading "59 Seconds" by Richard Wiseman, which I have had trouble putting it down, I am torn by what I think about the Franklin Effect and how it is suppose to make me and everyone else a more likable and more happy person.
So here's the supposed story: Mr. Franklin was having some difficulty getting an apathetic member of the Pennsylvania state legislature to like him. Of course, he rarely had this happen because of his amiable personality, so he put on his thinking cap and was going to get this person to like him. Then the idea came! Good Wise Ben thought of a book that he knew this certain person had tucked away on his bookshelf. He would ask this fellow politician to borrow this book, in hopes that this tiny favor would boost his number on the likability scale. And who would have guessed that the next time they met at the House, this certain gentleman was civil towards him and was ready to serve him.
Nice story, right? But how do we really know why Mr. Apathetic behaved in this manner? Maybe he had a change of heart about Mr. Franklin because of something he read or maybe he was having a terrific day and wanted to share his bliss. With this scenario, there are endless what-ifs and not enough concrete evidence.
My theory of why Mr. Apathetic had a role reversal was because he didn't know anything about Mr. Franklin besides what everyone else knew, and once he found that him and Benny had a commonality (the book) he gave him a chance. This theory is NOT the Franklin Effect, but I think it suits the incident much better than the fact that because Mr. Apathetic was tricked into doing Franklin a favor, he will continue to do more.
Now I am not a complete cynic of this theory though. I do think that naturally people are drawn to helping other people, and often times don't know their motivations behind random acts of kindness towards others. This is the way that it should be. We should be intrinsically motivated to help others, so that we feel better about ourselves and then others feel better about us. It's a win win situation. Or is it?
When our end goal is for people to like us more, I don't think manipulation is the best way to accomplish this. And, I don't think this is what the Franklin Effect is about, though. It might be slightly flawed, but the initial point is that once someone has that warm fuzzy feeling about helping you out, they are more likely to do it again. Versus if you were to just to do a favor for them and then they feel obligated to reciprocate. That's not a win win either.
So regardless if I may seem slightly cynical of the Benjamin Franklin Effect, I really think the theory makes us look at intentions, motivation, and manipulation. All three things very important when trying to influence people. All three mandatory and detrimental to the end process.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Unwanted is Needed
I got new tires today. I didn't want them and they certainly weren't what I wanted for my early birthday gift; but I needed them. In life there are things we don't want necessarily, but we need them and this morning as I drove to get them I was bummed at my unwanted gift ahead of me. I have, though, been wreckless with my old, worn tires for the past week in the unusual amount of snow and ice that Kansas City has, and have been lucky that nothing worse has come out of my 180 or sliding into multiple snow drifts. I have to say, when I drove home from work tonight and slammed on my brakes in front of my house, I was so pleased that I stopped and didn't end up in my yard. After this test, I have to say: For my 24th birthday I am happy to have a new set of four tires!
Life is full of things we don't want but need. Without unwanted things we would never know the necessities of life. Take for instance a bad friend. We have all had a bad friend in our lives; one who froze our underwear at slumber parties or one that started that nasty rumor about us. We of course do not want these people in our lives, but we actually need them in order for us to see what good friends look like, do for us and how they are different.
It's like imagining a life where failures didn't exist. We all have failures. I think those who have failed more often are the ones who are more successful. No one wakes up in the morning and says "I think I am going to fail today." We don't want failures in our lives, but they actually awaken us to the real pleasures of succeeding. How do you know what is great when you haven't experienced horrible?
In college, I got fired from my job at a restaurant for a reason to not really be fired for; basically a misunderstanding between my manager, my room mate/best friend (who also worked there) and me. I was devastated; not to have been fired for a flaky reason, but because I loved working there. There were millions of reasons why I loved working there, but I have to admit I was beginning to slack and probably take my job security a little for granted. After my termination, I quickly got a job at another restaurant down the street. I absolutely hated it and barely got through training. On my last day of training I left and headed back to my previous restaurant and pretty much begged for my job back. I got yelled at and threatened that if I didn't work harder than I ever had, then I was out; again. But all and all, I got my job back! Obviously, I didn't want to get fired and have to beg for my job back, but in the end I had my job back and was willing to work as hard as I needed, because I saw what not working there looked like and I didn't want that!
Things you don't want in your life show you what you need. Life is un-perfect and if it was perfect we wouldn't appreciate it. Things we don't want are a necessity. Just like my birthday present. I didn't want tires, but once I slammed my brakes on, I realized how bad I needed new tires; only, of course, after I had skidded down hills of ice with the old ones and gracefully haulted to stop with the new ones.
I just need to look at the things in my life that are unwanted as something that gets me more familiar with the things I need.
Life is full of things we don't want but need. Without unwanted things we would never know the necessities of life. Take for instance a bad friend. We have all had a bad friend in our lives; one who froze our underwear at slumber parties or one that started that nasty rumor about us. We of course do not want these people in our lives, but we actually need them in order for us to see what good friends look like, do for us and how they are different.
It's like imagining a life where failures didn't exist. We all have failures. I think those who have failed more often are the ones who are more successful. No one wakes up in the morning and says "I think I am going to fail today." We don't want failures in our lives, but they actually awaken us to the real pleasures of succeeding. How do you know what is great when you haven't experienced horrible?
In college, I got fired from my job at a restaurant for a reason to not really be fired for; basically a misunderstanding between my manager, my room mate/best friend (who also worked there) and me. I was devastated; not to have been fired for a flaky reason, but because I loved working there. There were millions of reasons why I loved working there, but I have to admit I was beginning to slack and probably take my job security a little for granted. After my termination, I quickly got a job at another restaurant down the street. I absolutely hated it and barely got through training. On my last day of training I left and headed back to my previous restaurant and pretty much begged for my job back. I got yelled at and threatened that if I didn't work harder than I ever had, then I was out; again. But all and all, I got my job back! Obviously, I didn't want to get fired and have to beg for my job back, but in the end I had my job back and was willing to work as hard as I needed, because I saw what not working there looked like and I didn't want that!
Things you don't want in your life show you what you need. Life is un-perfect and if it was perfect we wouldn't appreciate it. Things we don't want are a necessity. Just like my birthday present. I didn't want tires, but once I slammed my brakes on, I realized how bad I needed new tires; only, of course, after I had skidded down hills of ice with the old ones and gracefully haulted to stop with the new ones.
I just need to look at the things in my life that are unwanted as something that gets me more familiar with the things I need.
Monday, January 4, 2010
A New Beginning Or Maybe Not
"Whatever you do or dream you can, begin it." - Johann Wolfgang van Goethe
So it's already January 4th and I can't quite get a grip on New Year's Resolutions. It's not that I don't have many goals for "Twenty Ten" or can't make a list of many resolutions for this new decade. It's that I have this pending confusion about whether Resolutions are promising or nugatory. The problem is that I think creating a list of New Year's Resolutions, only sets me up for failure. A New Year is not going to bring me the extra motivation to make it happen this year. Or is it? That's were I am completely perplexed.
Beginning things is the trickiest part of any goal or in this New Year a new resolution. But as I think about it, so many people make resolutions because a New Year is a fresh time to start. So why not take the opportunity of January 1st and use it to your benefit. Get those things accomplished that you want to get done. BUT, what happens next week when I forget to pay a bill or am too tired for the gym? Is my year completely a dud? Do I have to wait until 2011, to start again? This is my problem with New Year's Resolutions.
Why is it only on one day of the year that every person feels the need to improve their lives? I went to lunch with a friend on New Years Day, and sure enough I was the person to ask what her New Year's Resolutions were. Regardless of the fact that she wasn't quite ready with an answer, she did get back to me yesterday after some thought. I have lunch with this friend frequently, and I never ask her "So what are your goals for today/this week/this month?" Why don't we ask these questions more often? Why is it only on January 1st? Is once a year really the only time we have the motivation to begin the things we all want to improve in our lives?
I think that in 2010, I am going to work on beginning all the things I want to accomplish, and not be discouraged when I have small failures along the way. Once I have begun, I have completed the most difficult part. I don't need to begin everything today, I can begin things throughout the year. Maybe on the first of every month or the Monday of every week. Beginning is what gets us to the end.
So it's already January 4th and I can't quite get a grip on New Year's Resolutions. It's not that I don't have many goals for "Twenty Ten" or can't make a list of many resolutions for this new decade. It's that I have this pending confusion about whether Resolutions are promising or nugatory. The problem is that I think creating a list of New Year's Resolutions, only sets me up for failure. A New Year is not going to bring me the extra motivation to make it happen this year. Or is it? That's were I am completely perplexed.
Beginning things is the trickiest part of any goal or in this New Year a new resolution. But as I think about it, so many people make resolutions because a New Year is a fresh time to start. So why not take the opportunity of January 1st and use it to your benefit. Get those things accomplished that you want to get done. BUT, what happens next week when I forget to pay a bill or am too tired for the gym? Is my year completely a dud? Do I have to wait until 2011, to start again? This is my problem with New Year's Resolutions.
Why is it only on one day of the year that every person feels the need to improve their lives? I went to lunch with a friend on New Years Day, and sure enough I was the person to ask what her New Year's Resolutions were. Regardless of the fact that she wasn't quite ready with an answer, she did get back to me yesterday after some thought. I have lunch with this friend frequently, and I never ask her "So what are your goals for today/this week/this month?" Why don't we ask these questions more often? Why is it only on January 1st? Is once a year really the only time we have the motivation to begin the things we all want to improve in our lives?
I think that in 2010, I am going to work on beginning all the things I want to accomplish, and not be discouraged when I have small failures along the way. Once I have begun, I have completed the most difficult part. I don't need to begin everything today, I can begin things throughout the year. Maybe on the first of every month or the Monday of every week. Beginning is what gets us to the end.
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